“Who Wrote the Rulebook on Grief—and Why Should I Follow It?”

I believe that Sati pratha is not truly abolished; it has simply changed its form. The horrific act of burning a woman alive on her husband’s funeral pyre has been stopped, but in reality, the suffering has not ended—only transformed.

Today, a woman may not be burnt physically on the pyre of her husband, but society expects a woman to die every day just because her husband did once.

My mom lost her husband, and then I realised—it’s not only the pain of losing that person a woman undergoes, but it’s also the society that adds to her pain.

The labelling theory suggests that when society assigns a label to a person, that individual may internalise it, which can influence their self-perception and future behaviour.

When a woman is named as a “widow”, she begins to view herself through that lens of loss, instead of as a capable individual. She starts treating herself as sin. As if she never holds her own identity.

Why does this society have to label “widow” and “widower”—isn’t that dehumanising? These names limit their choice of life to a single marital status and cage them for a single tragic event.

Even in official documents, what purpose does this term “widow” serve apart from reminding the woman of her loss again and again? It’s as if her grief is a permanent mark, one that must follow her everywhere, that she can never outgrow or move past. Widowhood is not a curse, not a crime, and certainly not a status to be shamed for. It is a circumstance of life, just as marriage is—a transition, not an identity.

What caught my eyes was that the crowd that gathered seemed less interested in offering consolation but more eager to see how loudly my mom cried and what her behaviour was.

The untimely death of my father left us in deep pain and shattered the family. We were struggling to stand, and everyone around us pulled us down in every possible way — be it emotionally or financially.

My mother, before this tragedy, was someone who loved to dress up every day. She wore bindis, bangles, bright-coloured clothes, and lipstick, taking pride in her appearance and celebrating her femininity. But suddenly, she was told to leave it all behind overnight. She was expected to dress in white or dull colours and to give up the simple joys that made her feel alive. It was as though the world wanted her to become invisible. After this, she began to hate looking at herself in the mirror. She no longer recognised the woman staring back—she saw only her loss and the reflection of society’s condemnation.

Every day she suffered not by sitting no fire but by society’s condemnation. When a woman loses her spouse, society turns its harsh gaze towards her.

After ages I would see a smile and some strength on her face. They started whispering, “Shameless woman, who soon forgot her loss.”

Every time she dressed up or dared to laugh, I saw her fighting an invisible battle against judgemental eyes and whispered criticisms. Why must a woman’s right to happiness be questioned simply because she outlived her spouse? Why should she be forced to hide her colour and her smile, as if her happiness is a betrayal of her past?

An interesting fact is that a “widower’’ is looked at with a different lens in society, gaining sympathy, being eligible for the next marriage, and being encouraged to move on in life.

People suggest that he remarry, start afresh, and look after himself. The acceptance of men in society is vastly different than that of women. Men easily get the right to look for another partner; however, a woman can't raise her eyes towards a man. Many a time I feel that such an act is purposely done; a widow can be an easy victim as compared to a married woman. Some groups of people intentionally maintain the belief that widows should not remarry. This is done so they can exploit their circumstances for their own personal gain.

Criticism shames a woman who aspires to rebuild her life and dreams of love and remarriage. She might be ostracised. Many people hide their desires because they are afraid of what society will think of them. They feel emotionally isolated; friends may distance themselves, and relatives' support often evaporates after the rituals are over. Some even become depressed and anxious.

Actually, the societal pressure steals away the person’s individuality and freedom.

What kind of people make society? It’s people like you and me. We all are part of society — knowingly or unknowingly. We make such unbearable rules for each other. We forget that empathy is more important than tradition. A small act of acceptance can help heal wounds that are deeper than what the human eye can see. Be the generation that truly believes in second chances

Culture and tradition can be beautiful, but only when they uplift society and do not leave anyone behind. A gap begins to form when the minor sector is overlooked. When the traditions become tools of oppression, they must be questioned and changed. As a society, we must learn to celebrate and to create spaces where everyone feels valued.

So whenever you come across such inhuman rules of society, don’t blindly follow them; stop, think deep, and then act.

My mom’s story is not just about loss but also about courage—the courage to rise each morning, to care for her family, and to reclaim her identity. I did the same for my mom; even after 8 long years, every day I still make a small effort to support her to rebuild, to rediscover purpose, and to celebrate life once again. Bring a change within her and outside her environment. She starts stepping out of the house now, not with the big agenda to change the world. Simply to accept that change has occurred in her life and understand that this is not a sin she bears; she is still the same old person. She can still go grocery shopping, meet friends and family, pursue her learning in yoga, or go out for a vacancy.

To make her believe that she is a human and she exists too.

Death is inevitable, a final chapter of all our lives.

To expect a woman to mourn all her life is to punish her for surviving. Grief and healing take their own time; some recover soon, others take years. Society must stop defining widowhood; it should never be a label to limit their dreams.

Why is it so hard to create a world where no woman is forced to give up her colour, her smile, or her dreams because of a personal tragedy? Why can't we just replace judgement with understanding, giving genuine support? And if you do not support her, give her her own space to live and struggle in whichever way she wants. Give a thought to yourself: is this world so difficult to curate?